Ending an Ego

“So, you just go and eat alone? don’t you get bored”

I was with one of my hookups today, and after we did what is now becoming a very soulless act for me (again) we laid together and she asked what I planned on doing with my week off.

I told her how I wanted to visit the portrait gallery, and maybe have my quarterly visit to the British Museum and looked at me bemused and said “what…alone?”

I told her that I actually enjoyed doing things alone, and that the thought of going with someone else and hoping they were not bored is not something I want to endure when trying to appreciate history and art.

Then I shared how one of my favourite things is to eat alone in a restaurant. She couldn’t believe it, and stated that she had never done that alone and would feel weird. “It is weird, the first time but then you start to not give a shit about the people who look over at you, you just enjoy the moment for yourself”

It was as if I was not only telling her but reminding myself.

I like being alone, I like having the time to learn new things, up my skills, chill the fuck out without giving a shit about anyone else sometimes. But I often forget this.

The pressure from others “So, any ladies on the go?” or “Who you gonna bring to X party” etc. I get lost in the “Shit, I need to find someone” bullshit. But truth is, I like me and I wanna date me for a while.

There is however a pattern in play, when I split with an old ex I slept around with girls trying to get over her and then I eventually got bored and stopped the meaningless sex, stopped searching for girls and when I wasn’t looking….bam! I bump into who is now my most recent ex and we were together for years.

I feel like i’m at that “getting bored” phase now, ready to knock it all on the head. I’ve done manhood proud and slept with some serious stunners…but its not enough and its just a bit of an ego trip now to have girls praise me for not being a selfish lover, or some other superficial compliment blah blah.

However, what I don’t want to happen to repeat the exact same pattern, where the sexual experience and personal growth in that area is pushed aside because I had fallen in love with someone.

Not that it was completely the case with my recent ex, but there were sexual needs that were ignored just because I loved hanging out with this woman so much.

NEVER again will I date someone who does not make me feel desired, esp when so many other women have no problem doing this.

So if or when I meet this new love of mine, she must this time be as amazing in the bed as she is for my head.

Till then, i’m gonna take a break. I say this as I have a date lined up tomorrow with a girl who literally looks like a young Patricia Arquette. This is a childhood dream right here…I’ll go still, but if she has to tick some pretty big boxes to make me change my mind on taking a break from dating.

Lets see.

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Ending an Ego

Legend

I just watched a film that was very triggering for me, reminded me of a lot of things and got me thinking about mistakes i’ve made in my life. Choices I’ve made for the better also and how things have effected me.

It obviously reminded me of my parents, how I felt like they didn’t care for me like they should have. How they were too busy caught up in a lifestyle of shit.

Made me think about my ex, how I still love her despite her leaving me and cutting me away from everything I thought I had to help me get away from my past. How she made me feel cared for, only to leave me at the last min also holding two tickets to a trip we never made.

Yet I still stick up for her, don’t let people say anything bad about her. Still think the world of her, still love her.

But i’m nothing but a passing thought if that for her now, its been a year and a half since we split and no, no i’m still not over it.

I’m still not over her.

I’m still alone.

I’m sad.

Legend

A Man, not yet good.

Its been a while since I wrote on here, and a lot has happened since.

Have I become the good man I set out to? No.

Why not? because there is no such thing has a man who is nothing but good in a world full of rights and wrongs. A man is only as good as the situations he is placed in.

When me and my ex split, I didn’t even dare date anyone else for almost a year after, but since then? i’ve done in a matter of months what most men wouldn’t achieve in years.

My breaking didn’t make me humble, it made me bitter, angry, wanting to close off from the idea of a relationship and just fill my repressed needs. And though this has built my confidence to new levels as I work my way through actress’, models, singers, older women, American women, European women etc it has made me just more resentful.

A couple of these new women in my life have been really nice, trying to win me over and show that they wouldn’t hurt me like my last relationship. But all I see is fire and disgust for the idea of even settling down.

So much that the only girl I probably let in a little had a boyfriend. And now I think I’ve torn their world apart I sit here with no remorse, no empathy, no shame or guilt. Only the reassurance that relationships can’t be trusted.

My ex is seeing someone now, he looks pretty basic, probably lives a “normal” life and makes her think she has what she’s always wanted after the fire that was me. They now inhabit the bubble that most live in and kid themselves that when they are at work or alone there are is no other they have their eye on, the secrets, the what if’s and the fantasies. The fact that he is so normal makes me think he’s just better at hiding it because it is so “normal”.

The girl with the boyfriend I was seeing, she was fucked up. A dread headed model who poses nude for cash, emotionally unavailable and broken in many ways. She was honest.

I think thats why I liked her, there was no bravado just brutal honesty with her situation.

I know what you’re thinking, not everyone is messed up. Stop being so bitter, but if you’re thinking this then I can assure you’re in great denial my friend.

We’re all messed up, just most of us don’t want to admit it. To address it, we just paint over it hoping it will go away.

Right now I’m not perfect or always a good man, but I know what I am and where I am. And I know that by getting this shit out of my system I will one day be not good or bad, but who I want to be. Me.

I’m still a work in progress, but knowing that is progress. At least i’m not normal thank God.

 

 

 

 

A Man, not yet good.

Pissed Off

Today i’m feeling pretty resentful towards my ex. Tomorrow we we’re supposed to be meeting up after she offered to help me with some work stuff i’m sorting at the moment. I offered to take her cinema after as payment for said help and at first she said ok.

When I messaged a few days later asking what showing she wanted to see I got told she didn’t feel comfortable anymore with going as it felt like a “date”. I cleared the air honestly and said yes, to me it kind of was intended that way.

I wanted us to spend some time together and for her to see if maybe we got on a lot more than she has probably convinced herself lately, and that maybe we could hang out more to see if there was anything still there.

But no…she didn’t want to go cinema but offered to help with my work. Which was nice of her and I by no means think she is a bad person in any of this. But what pissed me off is that she felt this way and waited for me to ask about cinema before saying anything and that when I put the cards on the table she said no, she didn’t want us to hang out like that.

You would think after four years you would at least be a bit curious to see if our breakup was a mistake. But no.

I don’t know, I’m just pissed off cos i’m upset.

Maybe i’m getting to the angry phase of the breakup, I don’t want to be horrible to her though so I will just have to vent it in another way.

I’m angry that she’s not going to be around for my birthday, for Christmas, for NYE. That I couldn’t take her to see the fireworks again and show that I changed.

I’m angry that I feel I wasn’t given a proper chance, despite her saying for ages that she needed me to change. It was blurred between nice moments and love so feels like I have been cheated and wronged.

To say “If you don’t change we’re over” then a few days later hug me and have sex with me because we were getting on, only to later be like “we’re not working” its all just fucking pissed me off.

But, it will pass.

I have changed, I am a good person and she’s just not the one to reap the benefits of whats to come in 2016 then.

Fuck it.

I’m angry, but thats because i’m not avoiding how I feel. I’m embracing it so it can pass.

Love addicts should never fall for a love avoidant. Esp those that deny they even have any intimacy problems etc.

Well, addicts and avoidant’s should never allow their own behaviour full stop.

Rant over.

Fuck it.

Pissed Off

MONEY

Earlier today me and my male flatmate sat and watched some TV together and the movie ‘The Break Up’ (which was funny as two men trying to find happiness)

The subject got onto money and providing etc.

He dropped some gems. He is one of the rare ones that were born into money but wanted to work his own way up in the world and actually cares about people equally regardless of status or income.

He worked in your typical high earning city job for ridiculous money per year, was in a seven year relationship with a tall blond, had the house, the car etc…everything.

Then realised “its all bullshit”

Him and the woman were not happy and wanting the same things in life, his work bored him and he didn’t even want to talk about it when out and asked. He felt the house, car etc were just traps to keep him in his job to improve them every now and then etc and everything took over what was most important “Are you happy though?”

He walked away from everything to start again, new flat, no relationship, new job etc. He started his own tech company which might not be the new google but its something he’s enjoying and is his own boss at.

He replaced the car for a bike and cycles to work and goes on long walks now and then and basically puts all his money into what he loves, his own company in the hopes that one day, his bet might just pay off. But if it doesn’t he knows that he is already a lot happier than being the typical high income clone to please others in high society.

He said to me “Unless you earn about stupid money you will always been in a trap to feel you need to improve your life, its only when you’re super rich and can have it all that you realise its all pointless. Hence why billionaires don’t brag about possessions”

His motto is “Computers will one day replace most jobs and peoples roles, creative work is all that is safe”. He loves what I do and praises me almost weekly for pushing forward when times get tough which is really inspiring for me coming from someone like him.

We get along really well which is funny because we’re from total opposite lifestyles. But both have an understanding that work should be what you enjoy not what you must.

He’s started dating a short girl, though has expressed several times that he’s not sure if its going to work out. I said “you gotta watch them short ones, you never see them coming”

MONEY

CONFESSION

Been a little while since I added to this blog, I guess you could say i’ve been a little busy….and by a little I mean HOLY SHIT PLEASE CAN I JUST HAVE A DAY OFF?!

If its not work, its recovery and on the very rare days its neither of them two things? its catching up with friends, family or flatmates.

And thats what I wanted to talk about today, flatmates. I promised the guy I live with to have some man time as he’s got a lot going on with his family members in and out of hospital. I came home late from work and he jokingly said “I thought we were going to watch a film eh?” and I replied with, lets do it.

While later we ended up having a man chat after and I was left feeling upbeat about life. He’s quite a bit older than me so its a kind of big brother vibe which is nice and something I’ve always wanted. And as I sat in my room just getting ready for bed feeling good about my day…she comes home.

My female flatmate, who is cool! don’t get me wrong, but I don’t connect with her like I do the guy. But, this was about to change.

I got a text from her while she was in her room asking if I was up, I just want to share that I replied saying ‘No, I’m asleep’ cos I thought that shit was pretty funny. She saw it as an excuse to knock on my door and see if I was about.

Now, what I left out was that in getting changed I had my blind up, and as I pulled down my jeans in Levi advert fashion (minus the homo erotic muscles) said female flatmate rode past on her bike and saw me in the window now in my boxers.

So…I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about said door knock. I thought ‘oh shit, she’s had a few drinks and wants to get it on’ given that the day before we both shared our frustrations with single life and she spoke of her tinder date fails. And as she walked in, in her bed clothes I seriously heard my internal voice just say “Oh god, please no why me! this is going to be so awkward rejecting her”

“what is wrong with these fucking men?” she wails, before almost bursting into tears. I invite her to sit on my bed (still dubious so keeping myself very closed off and distant) and tell me more. We only spoke on the subject for a brief moment before the focus became how her work and boss is abusing her and making her really upset. She then disclosed how she’s not had a great time lately, and given that she had not long beaten a breast cancer scare and had chemo etc less than a year before she feels she should be doing more with her life after fighting so hard to keep it.

It was all so much to take on, I didn’t know what to say or do. And just then, another layer to the cake. “And, I can’t stop taking cocaine. Its almost every night”

Ah, this old familiar. The drug using woes.

Instantly my sympathy levels dived as I was faced with my old nemesis. The drug “victim”. I mean yes, they are victims as are all addicts. But an addict who admits they have a problem and do something about it is one thing. But an addict who admits it for sympathy and a passing moment of support?

No.

I suggested she changed her job asap if thats the current root of her stress and that she focus more on herself than finding a man.

Lets see if she does either. I hope so, for her sake.

Its 1.13am, she just came home from Ireland after a detox break for a few days. My bedroom light is on…please don’t knock! let me go to bed now i’ve done my work.

CONFESSION