The shameful truth

Last night I had my cousin break down and open up to me, admitting he has serious problems controlling his life with drink, drugs and sex. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad people seem to feel they can talk to me now, but for a while I was sat there thinking “God, gimme a break…I’ve not even fixed me yet”

But today I thought, how close am I? I guess the real way in finding out is to see what I understand so far. So, here goes…from my original issues on the original post I will now do my best to explain my actions.

MY ANGER AND THE CHAOS
Well this one is pretty straight forward, my anger issues come from several different sources. My frustration of not understanding certain things plays a big role, for example if I spoke to a girl behind my then girlfriends back I would carry around some guilt. Then rather than accept my role in this guilt I would shift it onto her, blaming her for my need to chat to other girls because she wouldn’t be satisfying some kind of need.

Truth is, this “need” of mine was real, but very unhealthy and something that existed way before my relationship. And even when I was with girls who met those distorted needs it wasn’t enough…but we will come back to this…

The main root of my anger was more about not accepting my past. Holding some much anger, blame and rage for my parents and the pretty shit job they did at raising me. When my ex would say certain things to me that reminded me of my mother it would trigger behaviour patters that just set me off. These behaviour patterns were generally learned coping techniques to deal with situations I was in as a child but I had carried them over as tools into my adult life.

For example, my Mum would be moaning at me saying some really hurtful things. And my way of stopping her would either to be louder or say more hurtful things back to shock and upset her so much that she would stop. Doing this as a child to stop an adult telling you that they wish you were dead and how much they hate you is one thing. Doing this to your girlfriend when she’s just asking you when you might be finished sorting something is another.

THE SOLUTION
Through therapy I’m able to understand more of my parents behaviour and understand that what they did was most probably what they were taught and were coping techniques of their own. I shouldn’t feel i need to attack someone showing that they are vulnerable, even if it is a real unhealthy way. Life is about helping others, and I’m learning to accept my parents were not the immortal gods we make out, but people with everyday lives and a childhood most likely very similar to our own until one takes a stand to understand and change these patterns.

Taking a mindfulness course also helps focus IN THE MOMENT, so when your partner is asking you to do something you don’t allow your brain to jump into a time warp and fire shots. Instead you stay in the moment. Yeah, they might be nagging you, but how would PRESENT YOU deal with this? not young troubled you.

THE FLIRTING AND NEED FOR ATTENTION
I won’t lie to you, unfolding this one left me with an uncomfortable truth. So, I had an amazing girlfriend who loved me very much. I loved her in return to the best of my abilities back then and she did nothing but try to support me and make me happy…….so, why fuck that up?

The answer is simply, because I wasn’t used to healthy, normal and nice. I didn’t know how to be in this situation, instead I would hunt out the familiar to keep myself in this hole where I felt I belong. I had only viewed the kind of relationship she offered me on something like The Waltons where everyone was happy and normal. This wasn’t something I could relate to, and the relationships I learned from were very toxic. Sadly to me, they were “normal” even if I wasn’t aware that this was what my brain thought.

When I was “acting out” with girls behind my girlfriends back I would give the illusion I wasn’t happy, and they would say things like “You should leave her, she is not right for you” etc but, I wouldn’t leave her. Because deep down in my crazy mind I knew that they were wrong, and that she WAS what I wanted, I just didn’t know how to accept it into my life.

As i’m sure i mentioned, my Dad was married to another woman with five kids. Then he met my mother and next thing you know he’s living a secret life with a whole new secret family. Familiar pattern much? I have a healthy relationship, but I want more. Wonder where I picked that up from?

But what makes this problem quite disturbing is the next facts I’m about to share. Despite having a seriously attractive and amazingly fun girlfriend, what kind of woman would I seek to obtain? …..here it comes.

SOMEONE LIKE MY MOTHER!

Yes ladies and gents, that old phycology chestnut where all men want someone like their mother. God…so disturbing. But in reality, my mind was basically given one example throughout life of what a woman should be like, and that was my drug addicted, abuse accepting, open relationship willing mother. So even though I wanted a nice “normal” girlfriend, my mind wanted destruction, and someone who would enable my addictions and problems. I would have emotional affairs with women who were like my mother saying “leave that nice happy home you could have and come back to the destruction and chaos you deserve because the rest is too good for you”

Self sabotaging my chance at a real genuine happiness for the familiar, looking back now I was so blind to it all.

THE SOLUTION: Well, this one is pretty simple. In learning and realising the above I am actually able to basically tell my mind “YOU CAN FUCK OFF MATE, I’M NOT DATING SOMEONE LIKE MY MUM!” and its as if these blinkers have been removed from my eyes where I can’t look a “one of them” kind of girls in the same way. All I see is who they really represent in my head and have to laugh at myself like “No no no, she can stay well away”

Also in understanding my behaviour more I am now able to see patterns before they emerge now. Stopping bullets like in the Matrix before they cause the damage. I’m not saying I’m Neo quite yet, because I still have to look at how the above has effected me in ways i’m not even aware of yet. But in terms of the general acting out? I’m in a much better place.

THE SLEEP ISSUES AND DISTRACTIONS
Hello intimacy, how I would run away from you. Yep, me staying up sat on the computer all night was me being a love avoidant. Not wanting to get close to my girlfriend because I felt I didn’t deserve it, that I couldn’t be who she wanted or because I didn’t know how. So instead I pushed myself into an unhealthy patterns to avoid having to face addressing it all.

Its been four months now and I have only stayed up all night once, and that was because I was paid a lot of money to do so with work. You can avoid it as much as you want, but at the end of the day the facts are there. Lack of sleep will mess with your minds potential to function properly, and what happens to a mind with the above issues when its not running properly? it just goes into default mode and lives in the familiar. Rather than pushing yourself for more, you just accept because you’re already too tired let alone with a ton of thought processing going on.

As for the computer stuff, when you really start a path of recovery you just don’t simply have the time. I still use my computer of corse and still love me some radio shows, but come night time not even 50 new amazing youtube videos could stop me from wanting my bed. I’ve deleted a lot of apps or accounts for things that I find addictive, and though I will return to some of them once my 30 days is over (such as Instagram just cos I like sharing photos with my friends and family) I can honestly say that my days of trolling through mindless content without putting it to use are over.

THE SOLUTION: Routines are not impossible to break, you just have to stick with a new routine long enough to break the habit. For example, it is said to take 21 days of repeating a pattern to form a new habit. I wanted to make sure so I did my new pattern for 66 days.

I found some nice calming tools to help my mind feel at ease (look into ASMR, Mindfulness and Meditation) then literally forced myself to lay down, lights off, no tech other than maybe to play calming audio and then, wa la.

And if you find after a attempts that does not work, then speak to your doctor because they can find ways to help or give you certain medication to help calm your mind at night till you break in your new routine.

Erm, what else?

There is the looking at women on the street. Thats something I’m working on at the moment, but seem to be making progress with. I had set myself a two second rule where if I find myself looking at someone for longer than two I have to tell myself “Stop objectifying that person! they are someones sister, daughter, mother” etc. Which seems to be working, in the sense that nowadays I tend to walk down the street too busy thinking “What work did I have to do later?” or focusing on general mindfulness. I noticed the other day that its been a good while now since I turned around to look at someones bum etc, so progress eh? slowly but surely I’ll be where I want to be.

*I have to be honest here, I actually spend more time looking at car licence plates now to see if I can spot my ex driving about…what a loser eh? still, guess its better than random women and their bums*

Oh and turns out my bad memory could be another coping strategy! apparently its a normal reaction for someone with a past like mine in the sense that I would have to quickly throw things out of my head to help me deal with them. For example if my mum is calling me all sorts of names and saying she hates me, I’d have to “forget” that to be able to deal with the rest of my day. And again, what was a helpful tool to get me through my childhood is now something that effects my life. So I hope with more awareness will also be more brain power in my memory. Win.

I’ll date someone who is not like my mother, who I won’t punish for my past and I’ll have kids who will grow up learning healthy behaviours not continuing a cycle of bullshit. I’ll only have eyes for my woman and I’ll be able to be intimate and present in our relationship and the bedroom.

Till then, I’m working the program and pushing through the mess. And you know what, it feels good to tidy up my mind for once.

Oh yeah, and I’m now trying to help my cousin come to terms with the fact that he needs rehab. He agree’s but says due to work he can’t just walk into that. He has worked himself to a big potential promotion which is good, but I said you can have many jobs, you only have one life. Lets see what happens there.

2015, the year of growing up and coming out of the dark. Hopefully ending with love.

Being A Good Man

First thing you should know is that I, am not yet what I would class as a good man. Nor is this a simple step guide you can follow to fix any problems you might have in life.

This blog is however a man’s view on life, trying to do better, relationships and more. So I hope that in reading this you can learn something to better yourself, or if you’re a woman reading this then maybe understand your significant other a little more.

So where to start? well, let me share the problems I have identified within myself.

1. COMFORT IN THE CHAOS, ANGER AND RAGE.

The Root:

I had a tough childhood….I know what you’re thinking, me to! and I don’t doubt that for some readers this would be true. For me however my definition of the word tough engulfs a monstrous level of horrible bullshit. In short, my Dad shot people and was in and out of prison, my Mum was using various drugs, they both neglected me though my youth and my Mum continues to today in ways. I was physically beaten & verbally abused almost daily, exposed to sexual behaviour and content way too young, often hungry as we we’re too poor to have regular healthy meals and my sister had a whole other world of bullshit in her life. Oh yeah, and my Dad throughout my whole life was secretly married to another woman and they had five older sons!

Safe to say, I was destined to be a fuck up.

And I won’t lie, for a long time now I was in ways. But lucky for me my moral compass was strong enough to break though and take the lead on my earlier life choices. I never wanted to emulate my father as I was angered by the repercussions of his selfish ways. And I hated drugs and anything to do with them because I blamed them for creating the distance between me and my mother.

However being raised in a chaotic household and that being all I knew while I was essentially parenting myself and building coping methods that would later become life behaviour patterns and such, I didn’t grow up “perfect”

I say perfect in inverted commas because the first lesson I want you to lean is that perfect is impossible. In always pushing for perfection you’re only setting yourself up to fail. Aim for good, or the best you can do

The Repercussion:

These behaviour patterns I picked up manifest in unhealthy ways when it comes to relationships. I have recently split from a girl I can only describe as the love of my life because I would often create the home environment I knew best. I would be horribly verbally abusive in arguments, often saying things I didn’t mean as a coping method to defuse an argument. The only way I could stop my mother saying things like she wished I was dead and going into how much she hated me was to try and trump her and say something so hurtful it upset her and shut her up. But unfortunately in my head this became a tool to deal with any argument and so as you can imagine, what would be an argument about stuff in a washing machine could turn nasty with me just wanting it to end.

The Recovery:

In understanding why I have these anger issues I am able to work on them with a therapist I see weekly (we will come back to this). I also look for new ways to essentially burn off so much energy that the though of raising my voice in an argument seems exhausting.  If you can relate to anger issues then fear not, help is around and change is very much possible. Though my issues still seem worrying, I have already changed huge levels of how my anger effects my life! When I was in my early twenties fights and violent disputes with other men had common place in the area I lived. But after I found myself in a very bad situation with the police and a poor lad in intensive care (due to the actions of someone else not me) I said “enough is enough” and through meditation, honesty and a reduction of friends who didn’t want to change I was able to realise that it wasn’t something I wanted in my life and cut it out completely. I’ve not had a fight like I did back then for almost 6 years now if not longer.

Knowing that change with anger is possible I am confident I can fully control my issues in this area now that I am finally tackling the problem by addressing its root cause, triggers and behaviours.

2. THE NEED FOR ATTENTION.

The Root:

Yes its true, men need love. And though many of us don’t like to show it, we crave affection at times. Me however, a bit more than most thanks to the neglect I received as a child. I was almost always needing my significant other to show they love me to a point where I would even ask “How much do you love me?” at times. In my crazy head I would be so used to parents not showing enough love I would assume that partners would fall out of love with me also.

The Repercussion: 

When my Girlfriend wasn’t around to fuel my insanely low self worth and love that I would look elsewhere. This sometimes involved flirting with other girls and in some cases even sending and receiving messages containing adult images to said people in a way of gaining some weird twisted satisfaction in feeling desired.

Sadly this is something my Girlfriend found out about and royally messed up the trust we had and eventually playing a role in us falling apart.

The Recovery:

Due to my Fathers secret life I had limits on my unfaithfulness and wouldn’t push it further than the quick “fix” of a flirt or naughty photo. Which yes is still very wrong, but it wasn’t like I had to recover from being a full blown sex addict.

Codependence however, much like my anger issues is something that is a common behaviour pattern learned by someone who grew up in the environment I did. Though thankfully unlike a mental illness it is a learned behaviour that can also be unlearned.

I am attending CODA meetings and soon plan on starting the 12 step program to work though my issues and reparent myself. In attending CODA and SLAA meetings (Sex & Love Addicts Anon) and seeing people further though the steps I have seen first hand that the program works, as they say at the end of each meeting “Keep coming back it works if you work it your worth it” because hey, if the 12 steps didn’t work then there would be no clean drug addicts in the world.

3. DISTRACTION FROM THE WRONGS.

The Root:

When you’re living with issues like those mentioned it is very easy to find ways to distract yourself from problems you should address. This could be in the form of drugs, drink, internet addiction, avid gaming, football addiction and more, even things you would have thought of as a “healthy addiction” such as attending the gym too much.

The Repercussions:

This one should be pretty obvious, what happens when you ignore a problem? it grows. And when problems like we’ve mentioned get too big, life can become unmanageable. Partners will get put off, friends will make less effort, work piles up or becomes stagnant and essentially your stress levels will often multiply due to you avoiding the giant elephants in the room.

Your self esteem levels will suffer as you fall into a hole alone and with some men, this could even lead to suicide. For me my distractions were sitting on the computer and browsing garbage while neglecting my Girlfriend and for a long time even doing this all night while she slept normal hours.

The Recovery:

The good news is, this one is pretty straight forward and black and white. How do you fix your distractions? speak to those around you and ask for help. You would be surprised what asking for help can bring and being able to be honest will make others feel like they can invest in you more knowing change is possibly ahead.

Then listen to their suggestions and find ways to tackle your problems. Scientists have proven that it takes around 66 days to learn a new routine, so go cold turkey and make the change. The new clarity in your life will help you focus better on the real root issues in your life and eventually all will change for the better with persistence.

4. THE BOTTOM

Sadly for many of us, we have support through a lot of our problems at some point but we ignore it or only take small manageable tasks on. What needs to happen is that YOU need to want the change not someone else, and what tends to happen is we hit a rock bottom point to make us realise, change is a must.

In my case it was my woman leaving me just before we were due to celebrate a big anniversary abroad. A holiday in which I planned to reveal plans to propose, work on myself and be more present in our relationship.

Was she wrong to do it? …no. As much as this moment hurts, I can only admit that it was the right thing to do for us right now. My plans to change were potentially half hearted in an attempt to show I wanted change, but was I really ready to do it? I don’t know, we will never know. However all I can do now is find out what those changes mean to me and how I will benefit from them.

Hopefully one day we can get back together, it is what I want more than anything in my life. But its something I have to earn, and if you’re reading this then chances are you’re in a similar situation.

Be strong, be good, want better and most of all, be honest…to yourself. And the most important thing you need to remember its to make sure you always stay on top of your issues. Sadly there is no quick instant fix. And though with some problems you will be able to see progress once you fully understand why you do the things you do and worked the steps to change the behaviour, there will also be some that you might have to work on for the rest of your life. Things such as keeping a lid on your anger to keep it at bay, but don’t be put off by this as the rewards for being a better you will be astonishing. And the longer you learn to have control, the easier you’ll find doing it.

You can do it, don’t be a man, be a good man!